Category Archives: Rants

What is going on here?

I realize now that I never posted about the morning that my husband decided to be the Good Samaritan.

Several weeks ago, on a Saturday morning at 5am we are startled awake by our dog barking. This is odd. He hardly ever barks at night. Andy gets up and lets him out. A few minutes later I hear Andy talking to someone. I go to the top of the stairs and listen:

“Uhhhh…. yeah…. our car…. it’s like….. somewhere… “

Seriously. There are two guys outside of my house at 5am-  and they are HIIIIIIIIIIGH. Andy closes the door and comes back upstairs and starts getting dressed. I’m all — what are you doing?! He says he’s just going to help them tow their car… no big deal. ANDY! It’s 5am and they are HIIIIIIIIIIIGH. This seems like not such a great idea. He ignores me. He goes downstairs and the three of them get into the truck and drive off.

10 minutes pass.

Suddenly there is crazy loud pounding on my door. “LET ME THE F   IN!!”

More pounding. Much doorbell ringing.

“IT’S F-ING FREEZING OUT HERE!! LET ME THE F   IN!!!”

More pounding.

I am a little freaked out. Then I hear this psycho wiggling the doorknob. I panic. I have no idea if the door is actually locked. I summon all of my inner ninja skills and float down the stairs, duck under the window and stealthily lock the door. Then I duck, crouch, spin, and sneak around the rest of the house to make sure everything is locked up.

That’s when I hear ANOTHER voice outside. Also, HIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH.

Awesome. It’s a party.

I call the cops. They ask if I’m home alone. I say yes and MY INFANT SON IS SLEEPING UPSTAIRS! They don’t seem worried. The guys start walking away. They are disappointed that I didn’t let them in to warm up.

Sorry, guys.

All turned out fine… no harm done. They first two guys didn’t abduct Andy or anything. They were just HIIIIIIIIIIGH and lost in the middle of the night. Whatever.

Fast forward one month.

Today I drove into the garage after picking up Elliot from Cyndi’s and I noticed that all of the cabinet doors were opened. I got this eerie feeling that something wasn’t right. I was the last person to leave this morning. It wasn’t Andy that was looking for something. Then I notice that the shelves with our power tools are all empty. We’ve been robbed.

Do people say that? Robbed? Because that’s what I said. Thankfully, they only got into the garage. There were footprints by the front door. They must have tried that first or peeked in the window to see out large, stupid dog.

I didn’t think I would ever feel this way, but I really wish that we owned a weapon. In both of these instances I got this overwhelming “mama bear” feeling. I wasn’t sure if those guys a few weeks ago would get into the house. I didn’t know what I would find when I walked in my house today. AND BOTH TIMES Elliot was there. I wanted something to at least scare someone, if need be.

I am just not feeling good about our neighborhood. Andy went to all of our neighbors and let them know what happened so that they could lock things up and keep an eye out. Seriously? In Alaska?

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An Abomination.

I just sent in an RSVP for a party. On the bottom of this invitation it says, “This is a formal affair”.

FORMAL. I haven’t even thought of such things since high school prom. Scratch that… I’ve been a bridesmaid a time or two since then. At least when you are a bridesmaid your dress is already picked. I didn’t have a choice. Which, in my book, is fantastic. I am not a fan of shopping for dresses (or the ridiculous amounts of supportive gear that goes underneath them). This is mostly because I hardly ever find dresses that fit. This brings me to my point.

As many of you already know, I am a rather substantially sized woman. However, I am NOT plus-sized-and-proud, like so many women on Jerry Springer or  ComedyCentral. This means, that there are few stores in the WORLD that supply clothes that fit me well.

I was perusing one of my favorite store’s website earlier. I like this store because [most of the time] they don’t take clothes that pocket-sized, 17 year old cheerleaders would wear and just make them bigger [I’m looking at you, Old Navy!]. They actually reshape their jeans and whatever so that they will cover women’s butt cracks. Amazing concept.

I was clicking through the website and decided I should see if they might have something for this party that is only a few weeks away. I click on the “social occasion” tab and the very first thing that pops up is “WIDE LEG VELOUR PANTS” (with an elastic waist, of course)!

Please tell me– what occasion is appropriate for velour pants? Shopping at the dollar store? Buying false eyelashes at WalMart? Getting a weave? Getting your nails did?

Ladies and gentlemen… velour pants are just wrong. I don’t care if you are JLo– they are still wrong. But they are even wronger (yes, it’s a word- ask Kanye) if you are large-and-in-charge. Who needs pants that are elastic, clingy AND fuzzy?

Needless to say, I will not be purchasing this fine suggestion for formal wear. I am thinking about a nice tea length black dress with a beaded belt… and  a shrug. My bare arms are just something the world doesn’t need to see.

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Date Night [WARNING! Much cynicism to follow!]

Andy & I just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary this week. I know, 4 years isn’t really a monumental milestone, but it has been 4 really good years. I think he’s a keeper.

Every year we go to Pike’s Landing for our anniversary date. A very generous family has always given us a gift certificate for Christmas and we have an instant anniversary dinner! Last night we had a great meal. Actually, my prime rib was a little too rare for me. This coming from the woman who would eat a steak if it was still moo-ing. It was rare. However, the meal was nice and the company was excellent.

Afterward we went to Barnes & Noble just to stroll around. Seriously, that’s the kind of town we live in. Unless you want to go to the bar (and there aren’t even nice bars here) B&N is all that’s left after 9pm. That or WalMart– which will be another post entirely.

We were strolling through the stacks and decided to head back to the children’s section to check out a book or two for E. As I pass through the gates into this uncharted territory, I realize something: I have just entered another universe. No longer am I among rows of neat, crisp new books. I can no longer smell freshly roasted coffee or newly printed books. The only sounds I hear are of screaming children. I turn the corner to see this wild eyed ten-year-old boy flinging paperbacks all down the aisle at his younger sister. He is screaming at her that she has to dodge them because they are poisonous. The poor girl is just standing there, terrified, as she is being pelted by the entire Nancy Drew collection. All the while there is another brother, I assume, who is yelling over and over and over and over, “Destiny, I’m not talking to you! Destiny, I’m not talking to you! I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU ANYMORE!” (Destiny… of course that’s her name.)

Not an adult in sight. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE?! It was 9:30pm on a Friday night and these banshee children are running a muck in a book store without a parent or responsible party in a 100 ft radius?!

So what do I do, you ask? The most helpful and obvious thing to do… I grab Andy by the arm and head straight for the Sci-Fi/Fantasy section, because that is most certainly where the people with whom these children belong must be. I check the first aisle… three very single men reading manga. Strike one. I peer down the second aisle… one 14 year old girl in a long black crushed-velvet dress with matching eyeliner, lipstick and fingernails. Strike two. Last chance… aisle three… HOME RUN! Young couple, dressed in matching camo jackets, combat boots and working on something that looks like the beginning of a trashy romance novel (wrong section, people!).

Did I confront them about their (possible) children’s behavior and their disgusting PDA’s? No. Of course not. I did feel a small amount of guilt for tracking down people in a book store based on my own stereotypes.

But I still think I’m right.

One more thing– Books Andy & I plan to put on our reading list:

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Pet Peeve #482

When you are at the grocery store, just trying to get some hamburger and avacado and get home, and the cashier starts to tell you about how she wishes she could do her 21st birthday over because she waited at home all night for a phone call from a guy who, looking back, she wished she had never gotten involved with. “But you live and learn, right?”

Right.

JUST LET ME PAY FOR MY HAMBURGER AND AVACADO! DON’T PUSH YOUR SAD LIFE STORY ON ME!

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Alright… I’ve had enough

This is it! I quit!

There are things about living in Alaska that, well, for a lack of a better word… suck. At this moment Google says that it is… drumroll pleaase… 50 degrees below zero. FIFTY! This means that its so cold that it HURTS when you go outside. It also means that there is ice fog. Fun times.
I hear that in other parts of the world children can actually play outside at this time of year. This is not true in Fairbanks, Alaska. Oh, and did I mention that its also dark most of the day?

I am sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself. So to make myself feel better I am going to compile a list of only the GOOD THINGS that have been happening lately.

1. Just got home from pizza and beer with great friends. Laughed, ate, drank, had a good time.

2. We’re finally getting the hang of planning meals and grocery shopping within a budget. I know this sounds lame, but it feels good to be spending wisely and eating more healthfully.

3. Elliot has been giving us the toothless grin alot and talking like crazy.

4. New Years Eve was spent with good friends. Good food, good drinks, great conversation, lots of playing Wii.

5. Elliot is still sleeping through the night! (Sometimes 12 hours!)

6. I’m learning to stand up for myself. (Which, by the way, feels really good. )

7. At Elliot’s last check-up (last week) he is 19lbs 5oz and 26.5″ long… that is a BIG 4 month old!

8. I got a FOOD PROCESSOR for Christmas! I just want to find things to pulverize…

9. It looks like 2009 is the year of visitors! We could potentially have five visitors this year!

10. Andy & I celebrate our three year anniversary this Wednesday… I think… I always get the dates mixed up…
Despite the cold… things are going well. I’m planning on going to the National DCE Conference in Dallas this April. That will be a fun time. We are toying with the idea of going to DesMoines and Milwaukee in August for the Iowa and Wisconsin State Fairs. (There is some competition between the two). 2009 should be a great year.

I don’t necessarily believe in making New Year’s resolutions… but there are two goals I’d like to accomplish before 2010.

1. Get healthier. (Not “loose weight” or “excercise more”… but just make healthier choices in general).

2. Master a skill that is non-work related.  (I have yet to pick this skill… but I’m thinking…  making the perfect cupcake? sewing?  candy making? we’ll see…)

Happy 2009!

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