Ahhhhhhh

That’s sort of how I feel this morning. Ahhhhhh….

Fridays are typically my day off. I always hope for a little bit of sleeping in on Fridays. Not the case today… E was up at 7am.  Thanks, little guy. I fed him and then he told me all about his dreams and then he dozed back off to sleep. I seized the opportunity! I left him to his morning slumber and sneaked downstairs, made coffee, put the dog outside, and just sat in the living room.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…

The sun was coming up. It was quiet. My coffee was hot.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

I’ve been a little stressed lately. I am feeling pulled between two worlds. One world is where I am the mom and wife. There is a sweet little boy who needs care and love and someone to teach him all about life.  There is a husband who needs a wife to support him, encourage him, love him, and care for their family. There is a home that needs to be  maintained. There is a family that needs a mother and wife to be the love of Jesus at home. I want to be there. I want to spend time with the people I love the most. I want to be present and available to them. I want to help them to be their best.

The other world is at work. There are programs that need care. There are people that need care. There are teams to be mentored and nurtured. There  are people who need encouragement as they grow in faith. There are families that need to hear and see the love of Jesus. There is a staff that counts on me to get things done. I know that I have a place in this world. It was not by accident that I was called to be in Fairbanks, in this community. I struggle with my role, with my identity in this world.  Am I gaining ground or getting in the way?

I’m considering where I fit these days. I am not sure that I can give my best to both of these worlds. I know that so many women are balancing these worlds… but at what cost? Their sanity? I feel constantly drained because I just know that I can do so much better in both worlds– but there isn’t much left at the end of the day.

We are at a place right now where we can’t afford for me to jump into the at-home world. I was very optimistic that we could make it work, but when Andy and I took another look at our finances and it was a pretty crushing disappointment. I can’t stay home, not for a while. So the question is… where do I fit? If it is time for me to go at Zion, I always thought there would be a clear path to what would be next. Right now there isn’t. I’m still figuring out what that means…

But today… life is good. The sun is shining. God is good. I’m praying for clarity and I know it will eventually come.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh…

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2 Comments

Filed under Life

2 responses to “Ahhhhhhh

  1. Praying for you. It’s never an easy decision. Maybe God could spell it out in your creamer or something…but probably not.

    Oh and Elliot is growing up so MUCH! What a handsome little dude!

  2. Sarah

    I wish God would talk to me in my creamer!

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