That is kind of how I’ve been feeling in the last couple of days. I’ve had to take a hard look at myself and face some of my own stuff. And let me tell you, it really hasn’t been fun. I suppose it’s good, but for the time being I’m feeling very small. In the past three years I don’t know how much I’ve really grown professionally. The fears I had in the beginning are still there and I think rather than facing them back then, I’ve somehow dodged and avoided… doing whatever I could to get by. So now I’m facing having to change how I think about ministry, how I do ministry, and how I communicate ministry to others. That scares the heck out of me! It seems impossible.
I led a bible study with high school youth last night and the topic was doubt. I don’t doubt that God is real, living, and active in my life– I doubt that he can really use me. Not because he isn’t big enough… but because a part of me holds back. I’m not really sure why. That’s what I get to figure out. I’ll be spending tomorrow in retreat and however long it takes there after to process.